Dear Body, I'm listening...

It's an ongoing experiment -- listening to my body. One that, for more years than I care to remember, I didn't find important.

 It began when I was younger, my childhood full of one extra candy bar, sitting with a bag of chips and cheese while watching a movie. Juxtaposed to my siblings who have always been good at stopping when they were full, I was the one that always wanted seconds, thirds, and more. Then, as high school hit and my first duel with anorexia came into sight, I started ignoring my body again but towards the other extreme. My hair started falling out. I felt weak and exhausted all the time. Sitting in chairs for more than five minutes made me so sore. I bruised with even the slightest pressure. I couldn't stop thinking about food and finally...(and this is the one that scared me into listening for the first time)...my heart started skipping and fluttering. That's what it took back then for me to listen. Only then did I start eating a little more, because frankly, I was stupid and stubborn. It's a potentially lethal combination when it's directed towards your own body.

In high school I got shin splits and refused to take a break because, again, I thought I could beat my body. I thought my head knew what was better. After a good month or two of running through excruciating pain, I got x-rays and was told my shin splints had turned into significant fractures and that I would be out the whole season and possibly some of the following one.

Most of my life has I've been like this. I've had bouts of pushing myself too hard in sports and school work during college. I've been sleep deprived for years, but so anxious and wound up that I can never fall asleep when I need to. I've taken over-the-counter sleep medication and Ambien to get to sleep, then caffeine in various forms to wake myself up and stay up throughout the day. I eat too much some days and far too little other days... or weeks... or months.

I feel like I am in a constant war with my body. My brain says I can push her harder, that I can be stronger than I was yesterday, that deprivation is a weakness...but what I never seem to get through my head is that days off and food help make me stronger. That having determination sometimes means taking a rest and refeeding my body.

So how does one listen to their body when their body doesn't trust them anymore? For example, I now get weird hunger signals after I've just finished a meal. My body does this now because she's afraid I will starve her again. Poor thing. Poor clever little thing.

So now, if I were to listen to her and keep eating...how would that not trigger a binge, or worse, days of binging? And where do I draw the line between telling her I won't starve her again and going back to my overeating ways. As you can probably tell at this point, balance and moderation are not my strong suits.

As with the rest of my posts on this blog...this is an experiment. An experiment I'm doing with my body to see how healthy, fit, energetic and happy I can become. A large component of this will be learning to listen to her. Hopefully by the next time I post about this topic, I will have made some progress.

What's your relationship like with your body? How do you know when to push and when to take a break? I would love to hear your thoughts and advice!