The Deal

Because this is an honest blog, one that hopefully keeps me accountable, I will be posting today on a deal that Ryan and I made regarding my weight and calories.

As you may already know, I do/did suffer from an eating disorder. It varies between a clinically diagnosable ED to a DE (disordered eating). When I met Ryan  a year ago I was in the midst of losing 1/3 of my then-weight, 1/2 of my current-weight. It was a struggle. One that I both did and didn't end up winning. I did in the sense that I lost a lot of weight. I didn't in the sense that in doing so, I fell back into bad habits of severe restriction, overexercise for the amount I was eating, as well as many negative psychological ways of dealing with it. It affected me greatly, and would have potentially been much more dangerous if Ryan, for lack of a better word, hadn't saved me.

Although he got me back to a much healthier place, both physically and mentally, I still struggle with feelings of elation when seeing lower and lower numbers on the scale. He, on the other hand, would probably be happy with me if I actually gained a few pounds. So instead of battling back and forth on it, we struck a deal.

The deal:  If I got below 110, I had to eat 1700 calories a day.

Why this deal?

In the past, I've always struggled with the single digit numbers. As soon as I see 109 I want to see 108. Then 106. Then below 105. Its a twisted mental game that I've played a few times that never ends well. And it seems to get much worse when I see single digits. I don't know why. So that set the limit. Both Ryan and I knew this. 110, no lower.

I typically try to eat between 1500-1600 calories a day, in honest efforts to maintain weight. I tend to be more lenient with this on days I work out, especially the weekends and I may get to 1700-1800 on these days, while other days, if I'm not hungry, I may not hit 1500. 1700 is more than I typically eat and so going below my weight meant I had to eat more. Consistently. Pretty simple.

What happened?

I was convinced this would be easy for me. I try to eat to maintain my weight, which had started hovering dangerously close to that line, until a few days ago when it dipped below. I wasn't quite as excited when I saw the lower number. Of course, part of me was because it always is, but a much stronger part felt like I had disappointed Ryan. Something the two of us work so hard to keep under control. But in typical fashion, he wasn't disappointed with me when I told him. He simply grinned and say "1700 it is! I'm thinking ice cream".... or something along those lines. Don't let the statement fool you, he takes it seriously, but he also knows I take things too seriously so he tries very hard to counterbalance that. Deals are deals, and he knew I would have to stick to my end of the agreement.

How am I doing it?

Anniversary dinner with Ryan: White pizza at Pulcinella's!!

Saturday was easy. Ryan and I went to our favourite Italian Restaurant for our anniversary, so 1700 was easy to achieve there. Sunday and Monday were a lot harder. Being full and making yourself eat isn't as easy as it used to be. I used to be able to eat way past full...now I struggle. It's also pretty hard emotionally, for someone who likes the safety of routine so much. To consciously have to eat more despite not being hungry is...just...tough. But thankfully I have good support through it all, and hopefully I will be back above 110 soon enough :-)